Ms aposiOpesis

I’ve had eight days to overhaul my house (it’s been a bad year and things have gotten waaaay out of hand), plan great lessons, and finish my overdue grading.

So, when did I start?  Two hours ago.

Am I surprised?  Nope.

Here’s the deal…I do have honest-to-goodness reasons why it’s been hard getting everything done the last couple of years.  I’ve spent more time in hospitals and doctors’ offices than I have with friends, I’ve had eight surgical procedures done in, what, the last two years, and my chronic illnesses leave me exhausted, in pain, with cognition and vision issues that make it very hard to do much beyond my teaching and Mock Trial–and even then, some days I’m barely functional by 4:00 or 5:00 p.m.

However–and I must be honest–I cannot, in good conscience, blame all this procrastination on that.

I am, and have always been, the kind of person who, instead of getting more done on days off, needs the external push-in-the-rear to really get going.  Once I’m off and running, I’m fine and can accomplish a great deal (until the vision or body gives out).  So while I may fantasize about all the time I’ll have during vacations, that’s not really true.  What will happen is that I will shut down, recharge my batteries, and get very little done.

And hate myself for it.

In college, I was the person finishing (er…starting?) my papers the night before the due date…and actually usually doing quite well with them.

I’m the teacher who wishes–oh, how I wish–for a one-month summer break and longer breaks throughout the school year, because summers are wasted on me.  I’m bored after a couple of weeks, I become a vegetable, and I hate hot weather anyway (I’m so Scandinavian in biology it’s ridiculuous).  I can’t wait for school to start again and I’m not afraid to admit it.

I do my best work under pressure, even if it does take years off my life.  At my age, I should accept this.

So, while I did have a really bad flare this week that kept me unable to do much, and I did spent many, MANY constructive hours doing online planning and networking and self-education, I haven’t accomplished my goals for this break at all.  And I go back on Monday.

And that’s who I am, I guess, and perhaps I can understand my students who are the same way a bit more because of this, too; be a little more forgiving, a little more flexible.

Okay, break’s over.  I’m finished with the bathroom (sparkly clean with an open vanity sans bottles and dispensers) and partly done with the kitchen, and I may as well continue now that I’m already rather hot and smelling of bleach and Comet™.

I am who I am. 

Tags: faults, procrastination, vacation